When I was growing up, the big talk in the pop psychology world was all about “dysfunctional” families. Everyone I know who is close to my age and even older is convinced that they came from a dysfunctional family. I don’t know why, but over the years my ideas around what is truly dysfunctional have been modified. As a single parent family, I think that many of worry that our single parent status will be the catalyst that sends our family into dysfunction—but are we REALLY a dysfunctional family? What does it take to be a functional one?
In my amateur research, it seems a dysfunctional family is one in which: chaos reins (although I have met people where chaos and flexibility were not allowed in their homes and that seems more dysfunctional to me than embracing some of the inherent chaos of family life), and things are unpredictable; there can be role reversals—where the kids do the parenting; substance abuse and use; conditional affection and love instead of unconditional; and families where there is a lack of clear boundaries or where parents are mean, disrespectful and smothering. These are just some of the definitions of dysfunctional families that I have been able to acquire over the years. I don’t know about you, but I can see pieces of myself and my family in there (especially the chaos part) and I don’t really feel as though I am heading up a dysfunctional scene most of the time.
Instead I like to take stock and see what it is that my family DOES have? Unconditional love and support; humor and encouragement; the flexibility to make mistakes and experience failure without being ostracized; no substance abuse (unless you count Lucky Charms and/or peppermint ice cream); the ability to work through conflict. We are definitely not a family that does not experience mess, conflict, disagreement, crabbiness, and the jostling for space and understanding. But all in all, I like to think we are a functional family nonetheless.
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