We know this–as parents, we know that nagging is not the way to get our children do what we think they need to do, and yet we just cannot help ourselves. When I was writing earlier today about how to manage reminders as a parent, I realized that there is a difference between a reminder or reminding our children of something and nagging. A reminder can be made without emotion or annoyance, while nagging is quite different altogether.
Just think of what the word means: to ask repeatedly in an annoying and persistent way, to complain, criticize or pester someone in a painful and bothersome way–all of these definitions paint a pretty accurate picture of what nagging can be and a little imagine can help us figure out why nagging is not a very productive parenting tool.
Our children either tune us out or resist when we nag–it is not the same as being reminded of something in a more neutral tone of voice. Nagging implies that we are just asking and telling without really letting up and we may be doing it in a way that is fraught with emotion or sloppy boundaries. At some point, we need to make a request, set a clear expectation and consequence and put the ball in the child’s court. Nagging is really a way for us to hang on to something instead of handing it over to the child to manage.
The reason nagging can become such a problem for a parent is that we want our children to do what we ask and we generally want them to do it immediately. We also feel an investment in the outcome–we want them to clean their rooms, do their homework, do their chores, etc. and we hope that by nagging them, we will get that to happen. Unfortunately, it does not make our kids want to do what we are nagging them about and, in fact, can turn the situation into a power struggle. Instead, set a clear expectation and if you have to remind the child, try to do so without persistent nagging–they may be more likely to comply.