I have learned that for most of us, whatever side of the fence we are standing on, we think that our version is right. I think this is especially true when it comes to divorced and separated families. We live apart and we often live very different lives and how things look from our side seems right while what the “other parent” is doing may seem like it is wrong since it is not the same as us. When you add in the other parent’s new partner or step-parent, you may get even more versions of how a child should be raised; more animosity and disparity between the two households. I think there are things that both the step parent and the original parent can do to help ease some of these stressors and problems.
I think this can be a tough issue for many parents. If the step-parent is not telling you to your face what you should and could be doing differently, they may be telling the child or the child’s other parent. I know that I have had many a conversation with my children’s father where his partner’s “suggestions” have been shared. To be absolutely honest, it is a trigger for me and while I have worked on it so that it lessons with time, it is still a trigger.
I think that if the step-parents have the best interests of the children in mind that should be taken into consideration. It can be rough, however, when it seems that they are most interested in how the child and his behaviors affect them (or their children or household) or trying to assert power and influence. I also thing that time is a factor–it can take years before a family heals and becomes healthy after divorces, remarriages, deaths, etc.–a step-parent trying to assert him or herself as a disciplining and decision-making parent from early on may be jumping the gun. It may not seem fair to the step-parent, since their life is being so influenced and affected by the situation, but I do think the less direct confrontation, questioning of the parents’ motives and parenting, and discipline in those early months (and even years), the better.
If you are the parent and are getting unwanted feedback from the step-parent, you have a few options–you can tell him or her directly to back off (with tact, of course), you can talk to your child’s other parent about it, or you can choose to ignore it and bolster your family against the unwanted advice. The reality is that even though you did not choose this person, they are going to have influence in your child’s life. This can be one of the toughest and most painful realities of divorced and separated families. We suddenly have to include, tolerate, interact with, and repair damages done to our children by someone whom is a constant but whom we didn’t choose nor want. I do think that we have to take the high road, however, for the benefit of our children. It may take some serous limit-setting and meetings with the other side of the family (perhaps even with a mediator present) to set parameters around the parenting. AND, that still might not do the trick. I do think, however, if we are able to tame our own triggers and reactions and focus on what is in the best interest of the children, we can figure out how to become strong parents, and accept the presence of the step-parent on some level.