Perhaps it is not always possible to tune in to what is motivating us in every interaction with our children, but I do think that if we can achieve some level of self-awareness: identifying our own emotions, knowing what our triggers are, figuring out what we are trying to make happen, etc. then we will be better able to communicate well and have genuine interactions with our children.
Let’s break this down so that it makes sense: Say you walk in and find that your child has gotten into the kitchen cabinets while you were on a phone call to your mother/father/sister/friend and there is flour and sugar all over the floor. What are your reactions? Are you mad? Angry? Frustrated? Does it seem funny or an overwhelming mess? What sort of emotions are you carrying with you from the phone conversation into the interaction with your child? If the conversation went terribly and you are stressed, hurt or otherwise upset–you might bring all of that into the situation and explode. If you’ve had a laughter-filled conversation then you might be less likely to yell and scream at the mess.
What do you want from you child at this point? Many of us would admit that our first response would be that we would WANT that he or she hadn’t done this in the first place! It is already done, however, and now we get to CHOOSE how we respond and what we do. By owning up to our own emotions and what we are bringing into our parent-child interactions, I do believe it leaves us better able to respond to what is really going on and make reasonable choices in how we respond and react. Tap into your feelings and gut reactions first, and you will be less likely to spew them out onto your child.
Also: Is Guilt a Proper Motivator?