Communication challenges are not the sole domain of the single parent, to be sure, but I know that developing strong bonds of communication has been a priority for me with my kids. Even though we are not always together (or because we are not always together) and as my children have gotten older, making sure that I am teaching them about good communication and developing my own skills has been important. One of the things I have learned (and it took several years) was how to clarify and show them that I am listening and hearing what they say without making them defensive or frustrated. My favorite phrase for active listening with my teens is: “Let me see if I understand what you are saying…”
Repeating and rephrasing is a good way to let your child know that you are listening and genuinely trying to understand what is being said. Of course, if you interject any sarcasm or passive aggressiveness, your child will pick up on it and it will be a major impediment to communication. For example, there is a difference between saying something like: “Let me see if I understand you, you are frustrated because we are having soup for dinner and you were hoping for something else?” and “Let me get this straight, you are whining because we’re having soup and you wanted a gourmet dinner?” One is empathetic and understanding and the other is confrontational. Even if you are frustrated personally, there are communication choices you can make to diffuse the situation.
Using the phrase, “Let me see if I understand you…” can help you to keep a conversation going as well as clarify what your child is trying to say. It invites further discussion and you are using words like “understand” that send a warm message if said the right way.