Positive reinforcement can be a fabulous parenting tool, as can using rewards for desired behavior and effort. There are those children, however, who can be tough cases—they just do not go in for bribes and rewards and it can be a real challenge for a parent to figure out how to influence the desired results.
Charts, rewards, special privileges—all of these can be really great ways to motivate children. Not all children will go in for such things however. If a child already has everything and anything that he might desire, how will getting more “stuff” or privileges be a motivator? Also, there are children who are extremely self-motivated and need to decide things for themselves and there are those who are getting a bigger reward from what they are doing than they think they will get from giving it up.
Let’s look at peer pressure for example: If a child discovers that he gets acceptance from his peers for acting out and being funny or rebellious, chances are this is a far bigger reward than any stickers or extra reading time a teacher might come up with. That peer acceptance is just too darn important and shunning the rewards will likely only add to the child’s popularity and sense of self. In this case, a parent or adult might need to work on figuring out how to turn the tide of peer pressure and use it to the parent’s advantage—the child may change if the group’s expectations change.
There are those very strong-minded kids who really need to do and experience things for themselves and natural consequences are their best teachers. I have one of those. It doesn’t matter how much warning, cajoling or bribing I tried to do, she had to personally experience and test those boundaries for herself. Only then would she come back and say, “You were right again, Mom.” While we need to keep them safe, it may be that allowing for the natural consequences whenever possible work best.
Every child is different and we parents soon discover that what works for one may not work for another. For those children who do not respond to rewards and “bribes”—we may have to really get creative.
Also: Discipline Dos and Don’ts