A lot of parents assume that when someone talks about disciplining their kids that they mean spanking. Spanking is only one alternative in a whole arsenal of options for parents. Parents have time-out for younger children. Older children can go to their rooms, have the privileges taken away, and the ever popular grounding from outside, or from certain activities (which sounds a lot like removing privileges). These discipline techniques are all external. By that I mean that these are consequences that a parent imposes on the child as an external measure, while the parent hopes that the child will internalize the matter in their heart and mind.
About 10 years ago my wife and I attended a missions seminar on teaching English as a second language. I asked an Asian missionary about discipline in his country and what kinds of discipline they use. He said that discipline in his country was more of an internal thing. He said that in America we are more concerned about the external discipline, but in his country they focus on the person’s inside. He said that students, for example would never even consider talking back to their teacher. It was a matter of respect. To talk back to their teacher would not only bring shame on themselves, but it would also dishonor their family. Honor is extremely important in Asian cultures.
So how do we internalize our kid’s discipline? We can start by talking with them about the choices they make, and how those choices can have consequences for themselves, their family, and society – good and bad. We can discuss how their bad choices make us feel: embarrassed, angry, ashamed, confused. And don’t assume that just because your child was raised in the church that they are immune from all of the pressures kids face today to do bad stuff. There are many pastors’ kids who have rejected their parent’s teaching and have made some terrible choices involving sex, drugs and alcohol.
That can be very confusing for those parents who feel like they have tried to give their child every advantage in order to avoid those things. In the end, however, it is still up to the child to accept or reject their parent’s teaching and values. The Bible teaches that if we “train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Some children do reject their parents’ values, but many of those same children return after experiencing the “school of hard knocks.” Still many children will come back and tell their parents, “you know mom and dad, you were right!”
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