Unconditionally love—we all know that this is at the root of good parenting. We know intellectually that our children need to feel our unconditional love regardless of what is going on but in the world of the single parent, we may get so wrapped up in some of the trials and challenges of every day life, that we start to use the withholding of love and affection as a way to try to motivate and manipulate our children.
Yesterday I wrote about how we need to watch out for using manipulation and controlling behaviors to try to get our kids to do what we want them to. Being conditional with our love, support and affection is another way that a parent may try to direct and motivate a child: If you don’t do what I want you to then I am not going to give you a hug, go to your soccer game, or attend parent night at school. Several weeks ago, I watched a documentary on television where a single parent refused to go to her child’s poetry reading at a local community center because she claimed she was trying to show him that SHE could not be manipulated by his activities. It seemed to me like a justification for the parent to be very conditional.
Of course we single parents are not perfect and we cannot always give and do everything our child would like us to, but we do have to watch out for withdrawing love, support, and affection from our child as a means of reacting to what they are doing. Removing privileges or a taking away a cherished item in response to questionable behavior is one thing and can be reasonable and effective, removing our love and affection is quite another and it harmful and unloving.
See Also: Unconditional Love–a Myth?
What Does Unconditional Love Mean to You?