The last couple of months I’ve had a chance to reflect on a profound insight fellow Families.com blogger Sherry Holetzky shared in a comment she left on one of my articles.
While you’re clearly in pain and feeling neglected, a terrible place to be, it may well be that Wayne has issues of his own. He’s sharing you with your mom and he too may be feeling neglected. On a rational level, he likely knows that she needs you more, but somewhere inside it still hurts not to be the center of your world…
Turns out, Sherry was dead on.
Key Word: Neglect
The key word in Sherry’s comment was neglect. Without realizing it, I had become negligent. Because that was another thing Sherry was right about: My mom’s needs superseded everyone’s there for a while –his, mine, our pets.
Sherry’s comments helped me see the error of my ways. (Thanks, Sherry!)
Awareness Sets In
Not only had I forgotten to take time to tell him I love him, I’d forgotten to show him.
I’d forgotten the importance of making him feel wanted. Not only sexually, but in all those other ways I show him I want him, and therefore love him.
The goodbye kisses before he left for work had become perfunctory. I never called him at work anymore. And because my mom’s diet was so restricted, Courtney’s Café no longer catered to Wayne’s favorite meals. I just didn’t have the energy to make two kinds of suppers most days.
Attention: The Sure Cure for Neglect
But once I became aware of what I was doing, I set about trying to remedy it.
I made it a point to put some pizzazz back into the morning goodbye kisses. I took time to call him at work just to say hi –or to ask what he might feel like eating that day. And if it was a non-doctor visit day, I’d go to the trouble of fixing two types of meals –one my mom could eat and one Wayne liked.
I couldn’t devote all my attention to him like I had been before my mom moved in, but I wasn’t completely withholding it anymore either. It helped. We were able to work through our rough time.
Lesson Learned
I couldn’t help but think of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott’s advice in their book, Trading Places. Once I showed him he was wanted, he acted in kind. I preach that all the time, but I forgot to practice it there for a while.
But now I know better. His ego can be just as sensitive to lack of attention as mine.
Sure, it’s easy to let the stresses of life distract us from, or become excuses for, why we’re not being the best versions of ourselves we can be. But taking the easy road isn’t going to lead to a lasting marriage. Only commitment, compassion, respect, and effort will.
Question to Readers
When was the last time you made your husband feel wanted?
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