Yesterday, I was reading Lyn Newton’s article on “Warning Signs” in the Marriage Blog and something jumped out at me—she shares that one big red flag in a relationship is “If you are in a relationship with someone who still has contact with ex’s and talks with them frequently without including you then there is a warning sign.” For many of us single parents, we know how woven together our lives can be with our exes and while some of us battle and fight, every once in a while an Ex turns out to be a great friend.
I am not particularly friends with my children’s father, but we are not enemies. There is a person that I dated and was involved with for a few years who has morphed into one of my closest and dearest friends, however. I almost wish that we had never dated and had just been friends but I also realize that our history together is part of what makes us intimate and bonded. I think there is a difference between still carrying a torch for an Ex or having unfinished business, and having a lasting, committed friendship with an ex. Contrary to what Newton warns as “This sign may reveal that your partner will have a hard time making a commitment to and may possibly even want to restart a relationship with an ex” I think that a strong and healthy friendship with an ex can show maturity and commitment and a sense of continuance.
Granted, I am coming from my own experience. While I am not friends with all of the people I have been romantically involved with, I am friends with some and there are a few core friendships that have lasted decades. As a single parent, the line between romance and friendship can sometimes get stretched and as long as it is healthy and loving, I think it can be a good thing. While I would never hide the fact that one of my best friends is also an Ex with anyone I might become involved with—I also would not expect us to be one big happy family. For the single parent who is still good friends with an Ex who is also the other parent, it stands to reason that the new partner will not be involved with every conversation or every interaction. A little separateness and boundaries can be a good thing and I also think that we need to protect and nurture our greatest friendships—whether they are in reality Exes or not.