Chances are if your marriage is ending your children are already keenly aware that there are problems between you and your spouse. Children also experience the trauma of divorce and need to work through the grieving process much like adults do. For more information on the grieving process, please see my blog titled “Grieving Over Divorce” .
Experts say that the best way to discuss a pending separation and or divorce is to be open and honest with your children. Try not to go into to much detail about why the relationship is ending. It is best to explain, but not give opinions or be defensive, and especially do not make accusations about the other parent even if it is the truth. If it is possible at this point to be in the same room together, it is best for both the mother and father to talk with the children at the same time. Obviously what you tell a three year old will be very different than what you tell a 13 year old
The timing of telling the children is important. Try to tell them a few days before the change takes place, if possible. Resist the urge to have one last fun time together as a family by taking the children to an amusement park, Chuck E. Cheese, or other fun place and dropping the bomb of divorce on them there. If taken out for a day of fun, and then told about this major life change, they may equate family fun days with the pain and grief surrounding divorce. Unless one parent has already moved out, the discussion should be in familiar comfortable surroundings such as your home. If the other parent is unavailable or unwilling to be present during this important discussion, do it yourself. It is too important to wait for the other parent to feel comfortable with communicating.
Tell the children about changes that may occur such as a change in living arrangements, new school, parenting time and other issues when you know for certain that they will occur. Telling kids about the changes and then not following through with them can cause unnecessary stress. If you don’t know what changes will need to be made simply tell the children that you will continue to discuss the issues surrounding the divorce when you have more information.
Reassure each child of your continued love for him or her and that they are still accepted even though the dynamics of the family will change. Expect that you will have to reinforce your love and information about the divorce throughout the children’s lives. Make sure that you tell the children repeatedly that they nor there actions were the cause of the divorce. Children tend to blame themselves when divorce occurs and hope that if they only behave better or do nice things for mommy or daddy that everything will be ok.
Open honest communication, even when you don’t think you can bear to talk about it one more time, is necessary to help meet the needs of your children during this tumultuous time in their lives.