No, I haven’t abandoned the alphabetical marriage hints. I will get back to them shortly. Before I do, I want to talk about letting it out. No, I’m not talking about letting clothes out because you’ve put on weight, but letting your feelings out.
I’m a great believer that things are better out than in. Letting things build up, turning on the silent treatment, sulking and suffering in silence does no-one any good. If you feel there is something not quite right in your marriage or something is worrying you, then the best way to deal with it is to let it out. Having said that there are ways of letting it out that are helpful and ways that are not.
For instance it is not helpful to come out all guns blazing, accusing your spouse. This often happens when you have been sitting on a problem for a while and letting it fester. Then all of a sudden something happens or your spouse does some little thing and it’s the final straw. It triggers your anger and it all comes spilling out, not just about that but about whatever else had been building up as well.
This is not helpful for a marriage because we often, in the heat of the moment, not only say things we don’t mean but immediately put our spouse on the defensive. When people go on the defensive they are intent on protecting themselves, making excuses and can respond by attack.
The old expression ‘attack is the best form of defense’ holds a certain element of truth- in that it is what often happens. Watch any lawyer type show and you will see it happen repeatedly. Why? Because it deflects attention from the accused and from the real issue.
The better way to let it out is to air your problems in a gentle, non threatening way. Tomorrow I’ll talk about ways to go about this.
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What You Say and How You Say It
A Conversation You Wish You Had With Your Spouse