I grew up in a wonderful family, and I had the most normal childhood imaginable. My parents are still married to this day; there was no abuse, alcoholism, drug use, or neglect going on in my home; and we always had everything we needed, and most of what we wanted.
I have always believed that family is the most important thing. The members of your family are the only people who will always be there for you. You should always be able to count on them, and you should always be able to go back home if you need to.
So you can imagine how strongly I feel that every child deserves a family. It is why we have decided to adopt. And it is why we have specifically asked for older children, children who might not otherwise find a forever family, to be placed with us.
We had an appointment with the adoption coordinator today. She went over all of our paperwork with us, especially the questionnaire and the list of *acceptable* and *not acceptable* qualities in a child. For us, most qualities were marked as *acceptable*, with very few exceptions.
Then she asked us if we would be willing to accept a child in a wheelchair. We thought, looked at each other, considered, and then answered that we would, absolutely.
Then she asked about a child with cerebral palsy.
Tom and I decided long ago that we did not want a child with severe disabilities to be placed with us. We are not sure we are capable, at this point, to take on the time commitment and financial expense of a child that requires regular medical appointments, equipment, and round the clock care. We also are not sure we want to make a lifelong commitment beyond the typical commitment you make for holidays and such after the children are grown and on their own.
We thought, looked at each other, and… again… considered.
Then we, or at least I, started stumbling over words. Started explaining why we do not want to take on a child with extreme disabilities and extensive needs. Rather than just saying “No”, we can’t do that at this time, we started explaining that we’re not sure we can handle the coordination of schedules that would be required, and that we’re not sure we are capable of dealing with severe medical needs.
Even though, logically, I know that saying no was the right thing to do, and that accepting a child that we are not prepared to care for is a bad idea and would only lead to regrets and resentment down the road, I felt like I was saying that every child deserves a family *except for that one*.
I understand that the purpose of the questionnaire, and of the home study itself, is to determine what child would be the best fit for our family. It is important for the success of the placement that we be matched with the best possible child for our family. It would be devastating, both for the child and for our family, for the adoption to fail, so the more information they can gather as to what we can and cannot handle the better. This process requires absolute honesty about who we are, what our strengths and weaknesses are, and what we are willing and able to take on.
I realize that every child deserves a family that is prepared to care for them, prepared to be there, prepared to make the commitment that the child needs. I’m not sure I’m ready for that commitment, and I know that it is okay, and even preferable, to say that.
So, why was it so difficult to say no?