Jewish Values: Respecting One’s Spouse
Judaism has a lot to say about respect for others and for G-d (or Hashem). We are supposed to respect our parents, our teachers, our spouses, and to treat animals and the environment with care (it is considered incorrect to waste or destroy things). If one is supposed to respect the life of a fruit tree and avoid causing pain even to an animal owned by one’s bitter enemy, how much more so is one enjoined to care for one’s spouse?
Marriage is a sacred institution in Jewish life, and it is pointed out by many that the Jewish home is even more important, in many ways, than the synagogue. According to Jewish law, a congregation is required to sell its Sefer Torah (the scrolls from which the Torah portion is read in the synagogue) to build a mikvah (or a ritual bath where Jewish wives immerse), if the community cannot afford both. It is said that a person who makes peace between a husband and wife has a special share in the World to Come, and that avoiding marital strife is one of the highest values, since, if a first marriage should end, Gd forbid “Even the altar sheds tears.”
The Jewish marriage is founded on mutual respect. Each spouse should always show respect for the other and avoid speaking in an angry tone. Although women have the option of working outside of the home (and are especially honored for brining in an income to support a husband’s Torah study), she should maintain the home, even if she hires others to take care of cleaning and babysitting. A man is required to support his wife financially and to speak to her with kind words (the basis for this is in the Torah, when Moshe spoke gently to the women). With women working today, and many men pursuing lengthy periods of study, there can be a compromise worked out about household duties and work (one should talk to a Rabbi for advice about this). If a woman works, she is entitled to ask for financial support to hire household help. Many men who learn in university or collel (a place where married men learn Torah during the day) might opt for doing dishes and changing the diapers themselves to help their working wives.
Many people are curious about how Judaism views spousal abuse. Of course, given the value placed on mutual respect, this is something that is forbidden. This has always been true in Judaism, whereas many other traditions that began around the same time the Torah was given, sanctioned some form of what we today would consider abuse. A man is cautioned strongly against making his wife cry, since the gates of a woman’s tears are always open, go straight to heaven, and all of her tears are counted. It is said that a man who fails to respect his wife will suffer financially, as well. I found this quote from the Talmud, and it is quite apt:
“Be very careful if you make a women cry, because G-d counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”