I’m fat. There’s no doubt about it and there’s no beating around the bush. My friends and co-workers will always jump to my defense, claiming it’s baby weight. But really, I’m fat. I’m 190 pounds and when I met my husband nine years ago, I was 135 (poor man). Is it a lot of baby weight? More like weight from babies, three of them to be exact.
But it’s weird. In my head, I know I’m fat. I see the numbers on the scale. I know how hard it is to get my pants buttoned. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t always see it. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t see the 21 year old size five body either, but I see myself as a chubby, slightly over weight woman. Then my three year old will take a picture of me (everyone else knows better). And I’m always shocked. Am I really that big? Obviously, I’m really that big. And it depresses me. I look in the mirror everyday, multiple times. Why don’t I see it?
I want to be realistic about my weight because I want to get it off. Although I know after three children, I will never have that bikini clad body again, I would at least like to be able to fit into some of my old clothes. Really, I’d be ecstatic to see a size ten or twelve. If I don’t have a clear picture of myself, will I be able to reach this goal?
It’s almost like a reverse Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Instead of seeing flaws that aren’t there, I don’t see the flaws that are. People who suffer from this illness become obsessed with the things they see when they look in the mirror, often times to the point of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It can lead to depression, anorexia, bulimia, or even thoughts of suicide.
With Body Dysmorphic Disorder, treatment involves SSRIs (anti-depressants like Zoloft or Prozac) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). With both treatments, it can take up to 12 weeks before you start seeing results. Sometimes, you may end up hospitalized. It’s a hard disease to deal with, because the patient always sees and focuses on flaws that are nonexistent.
I guess my problem could be worse. Not seeing how fat I actually am seems minor to diseases such as this. So maybe I’ll have to get a bigger mirror, or start taking pictures of myself instead.