My father passed away recently, and last night, I spent some time reading his life history. He stated that even though twenty years had passed since my parents’ divorce, he still didn’t know why my mother had filed. She, on the other hand, always said that she tried over and over again to resolve the issues in their marriage, and he never listened. Hearing it from her side, and then reading it from his, I began to realize that conflict resolution is a two-way street. Both parties have to be invested, but first, both parties have to know there’s a problem.
It doesn’t do any good for the wife to share her feelings if the husband doesn’t understand what she’s saying, or vice versa. He’ll come out of the conversation feeling confused, and she’ll feel like he doesn’t care. Here are some suggestions for approaching a conflict-resolution discussion:
1. Wait until you’re calm. You can’t effectively problem-solve when you’re screaming, or crying, or throwing things. Let the strong emotions of the moment pass, and prepare yourself to speak calmly. At the same time, wait for your spouse to calm down. We’ve all heard, “Don’t go to bed angry,” but if you need to wait until the next day to discuss something rationally, then that’s what you need to do.
2. Be very clear with your statements. Don’t expect your spouse to be a mind-reader and know what you want and how you feel. If they could read your mind, you probably wouldn’t be having a conflict.
3. Make sure you state not only the problem, but what you expect to see as the resolution. Don’t tell him he’s a lazy bum and needs to shape up. Tell him what you mean by “lazy bum” and what you mean by “shape up.” Remember that you and your spouse were raised in two different homes, and in those homes, your family members communicated in their own ways. You might both be from the same country, but that doesn’t mean you’re speaking the same language.
4. Be willing to discuss what you can do to aid in the resolution. In very few cases is it ever the fault of just one spouse. Your partner may have faults that are leading to the conflict, but you have your piece of the pie too, and you need to step up and say, “I made the conflict worse by …” and then taking ownership. And no, you can’t get away with saying, “I made the conflict worse by trusting you” or some other such responsibility-denying drivel.
If you want to resolve a conflict, you need to get your spouse involved and speaking your language. Be proactive. Don’t expect them to read your mind or to somehow magically know all the answers. As always, open communication is the key.
Related Blogs:
Is Your Marriage Reaching Its Full Potential?
Resolving Conflict in Marriage