One thing I wasn’t prepared for when I started dating after my divorce was his children. I mean, I realized that the men I would date would more than likely have children but I didn’t worry about it. Kids like me, what’s to worry about? Boy was I unprepared.
The sons of the men I dated usually weren’t a problem, but those little girls were not at all happy about me being around. At first I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I’m good with kids and can usually come up with something for us to do, either play a game or make a craft. Everything was fine when we were involved in something but as soon as that was over I kept getting the cold shoulder.
I had to look at it from their perspective. Most of these men when not the custodial parent so when they had their children and I was around the children felt like I was taking their father’s time and attention away. Also, all children want their parents to get back together, even if they don’t say it, it’s still there. I heard “That’s not the way my Mommy does it” more times than I can count.
Finally, I just decided to let them determine when and how we would interact. I never butted into a conversation between a father and his children unless I was specifically asked. I learned to always ask the children what they wanted and how they wanted to do it. Just because I cut the crust off Hailey’s sandwiches and made little triangles didn’t mean that was what they wanted.
It’s never easy, especially when there are children from both people to consider. I asked lots of questions and tried to listen more than I talked. With the little kids it’s easier, they really don’t have any preconceived notions of what their father’s new relationship means to them.
Another thing that makes it hard is different parenting styles. Once Hailey and I went camping with a man and his daughter, we fished, cooked over an open fire and in general had a good time. However, he let his daughter ride in the bed of his truck, something I would never allow Hailey to do. I tried being diplomatic when Hailey started telling me how unfair I was. I pointed out that different families had different rules and the rule in our family was bottoms in the seat with a seat belt. Then he started giving me a hard time for being over protective. I knew it would never work. Don’t try to undermine the way he raises or disciplines his children, if you disagree, do it out of earshot of the children. If they know you disagree they have a brand new thing to use as a wedge on your fledgling relationship.