Yesterday, I went out shopping with my mother for some essentials necessary to get the midget ready for her Ballet I class that starts this Wednesday and then off to the pet store for supplies and this is before we go to the shoe store and Target for other need to buy items. Anyway, long story short, my mother and I are in the pet store and we just needed to grab two or three things. One of those things was a fifty-pound bag of dog food.
Now if you are wondering what the heck does a fifty-pound bag of dog food have to do with marriage? I’m getting there. I picked up the fifty-pound bag and slung it up on my shoulder. It wasn’t that heavy and I didn’t mind carrying it up to the register. But then we had to go to the cat food aisle, then from there we went towards the bird seed and then around the corner to look at a few more items.
After ten minutes of strolling around the store – that fifty-pound bag was getting heavier and heavier.
The Fifty-Pound Bag in Your Marriage
When it comes to our marriages, problems between our spouse and us can be that fifty-pound bag in the store. The first time the problem occurs, it’s not a big deal. In fact, think about it this way – your spouse does something thoughtless – they don’t mean to hurt your feelings – but it happens. You just shoulder it and move on. It doesn’t weigh you down – but resentments pile up and if you are carrying fifty-pounds of resentment around on your shoulder –
— Trust me, your shoulder and back and eventually your legs are all going to ache. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: pain in the neck.
Each resentment, each petty dispute – each unresolved issue that exists between you and your spouse is a kibble in that bag and individually – the kibbles are not such a big deal – but as they accumulate? Well, you see the picture.
Adding Insult to Injury
Now you may walking around with a fifty-pound bag of dog food on your shoulder, but your spouse may not be aware of it. In fact, they may be casually strolling up the aisle of life, window-shopping and you are trailing along, slowing down and feeling another kibble or three of resentment being added to the bag. How could you possibly be wandering around with this much on your shoulder and your spouse not aware of it?
Easy, because if you never bring it up – your spouse may have no idea that it’s there. A long time ago, I discovered a very good rule of thumb for handling issues like this – small things – irritating things that can mount up from the petty to the significant. It goes something like this:
If you are doing something that annoys me and I say nothing – it’s not your fault anymore.
That’s right – it’s not your spouse’s fault that you are lugging around that bag of kibble. You can go get a cart, you can throw it down on the ground or you can look at them and ask for their help. You have all the choices here. You can say something. You can mention it. You can discuss the issue. But carrying around a weighty bag of resentments years after the first kibble was added hurts you – and that hurt will grow – and while your spouse may not be innocent – you are mitigating their culpability by not allowing them to be there for you and to help you shoulder the burdens.
So next time …
The next time an issue comes up, whether it’s really a big deal or not – don’t just throw the whole bag of kibble down so that you both have to wade through a huge mass of resentments. Put the bag of kibble into a grocery cart and pick up the new one that’s added — talk to them about it – resolve it – and then choose to delve into the bag – one issue at a time – or let it go and forgive them – start fresh and don’t let that massive bag get filled again.
Trust me – your neck, your shoulders, your back, your legs and your heart will all be grateful for that.
Oh, and for those of you thinking that – great – that means we just let them get away with it? I would suggest to you that they have long since gotten away with it – and you are the one who’s voluntarily left themselves (yes, I am going to say it) stuck holding the bag.
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