My birth father was sickly and depressed. He had many health problems that his family of origin did not resolve, and the traditional medical community was no help. Because he was not given the chance to improve himself and his life within boundaries he could work with, he was never able to contribute materially to his families, and to society generally. Consequently, he was not able to treat his family members well, although he intended to, and often made efforts in behalf of his children, six of them in two marriages.
He could not hold down a job, and eventually became violent with my mother, which ended his first marriage. My mother divorced him and put him in a mental institution to get things under control. This gave me a negative view of fathers and men in general. In my new world view, even being hairy like any normal adult male was bad. No man could ever do right or well. They were all incompetent and worthless, unkind and thoughtless.
So I learned to behave in an incompetent, worthless, and unkind manner. I learned to bend over backwards to do what other people wanted, and, like my biological father, work outside my own limits, talents, and proclivities to be someone who I wasn’t for other people. This affected my social life. I grew up as a loner, separate from people, because I couldn’t trust them, and didn’t want to perform still one more circus act to please them in some obnoxious way.
Many, many of us live in blended family situations, and so most of us have to deal with some aspect of being part of something we weren’t born to. In spite of inconsistencies, if we as family members strive to give a feeling of love, of worth, and increase that love and worth we give when we reprove our children, they will have better experiences, and feel more self-worth than otherwise.
Each of these experiences formed the man I am today, and the way that I viewed fatherhood when I was first married. Over the next several blog posts, I will be sharing my journey into fatherhood and how I learned to put aside the way I was raised and to find my own voice as a father. I hope to show that we all can overcome our pasts and create healthy, positive futures for ourselves and our families.
Related Blogs:
Parenting: The Hardest Job Out
Blended Families and Your Family Tree