Guilt. Is there any other word in the English language that can make you feel so bad, so quickly? No matter how many things we’ve done right, there is still plenty of guilt about the mistakes we’ve made or the things we’ve not done.
For single parents guilt is a constant companion. We feel guilty because we work, because we are divorced, because our child is an only child, because we don’t have more money. The list goes on and on but nothing can make you feel guiltier than if your child misbehaves or makes a bad decision.
If you are a single parent and your teenager skips school, wrecks a car, fails a grade, tries drugs or gets pregnant, whose fault is it? That’s right, dear old single mom, this is all your fault. People will say, usually behind your back, if only her father had been around this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe her mother should have worked less and paid more attention to her. Kids from single parent families always do poorly in school because their mother doesn’t have time to be active in their school life.
There is always a finger pointing at you when your kids make bad choices. What happens when things go right? When you child is valedictorian do people say, that’s what happens when you are raised by a single mother, or do they say, that is one determined kid to overcome all his obstacles and still succeed. Not to take anything away from the child because all children who succeed are determined and work hard, but maybe, just maybe, their single mom was there, behind the scenes, helping, encouraging, telling her child to reach for the stars. Those are the things you don’t hear.
If your child makes a mistake, people will blame you, but if they succeed, you apparently had nothing to do with it. Recently some things have happened that make me realize that our children are who they are, yes parenting influences them, but it is not the deciding factor.
Just as the credit is not ours when our child succeeds, the blame should not be either. We all strive to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted children who are an asset to the world, sometimes they fight against everything they’ve been taught. That is not a single parent’s fault, most likely the child would have behaved the same way in an intact family. So the next time you feel your judgment finger start to point, remember how many fingers are pointing back at you and give single parents a break.