No, I am not talking about physical separation, and not even emotional separation. Those are a whole other set of issues worth thinking about. I am talking about being conscious of the difference between you and your parents.
Dads spend more time thinking about this than you might think, but those thoughts usually articulate themselves in one way: “I don’t wanna be like my dad” or “I wanna be as good as my dad.” Those are fine starting points, but too often, men don’t go to the next step and think about what it is about their fathers (and mothers) that they want to emulate as parents, and what qualities or habits of their parents they want to let go of as they become parents.
It’s time to draw some columns – or use a spreadsheet! List Mom and Dad separately. Give each two columns – “what I like” and “what I don’t like.” Sometimes you might change your mind. That’s why God made the Backspace key. Just describe in detail what it is from each of them you think is worth holding on to. Then ask yourself, why? Sometimes what you want to keep is “practical” – you want to share your love of cooking, which you got from your dad, or your ability to fix stuff around the house, which you got from watching your mom. Sometimes it’s more emotional, but it has a concrete form to it: the feeling you had when they read you stories at bedtime, or the pleasure of playing board games.
The same applies to the negative stuff, too. Maybe you don’t want to yell like your father did. Maybe you don’t want to drink like your mother did (my father’s parents were alcoholics; he was not a teetotaler, but he rarely drank in our presence). Maybe you don’t want to criticize the same way, or perhaps there is a phrase you never want to use (I don’t like to use the phrase “not good” because I associate with my father; I’m sure my children will never want to use the phrase, “that’s not a toy – it’s a TOOL!”). Maybe it’s a negative attitude they projected about themselves or about life that you don’t want to take on, because it’s theirs and not yours. They have dreams unfulfilled, but you don’t have to carry them and realize them on their behalf.
Sometimes you catch yourself as you speak and you recognize the words don’t belong to you; they belong to your dad or your mom. That’s a good sign. That’s important to recognize. Women do this all the time, at least in my experience. They are more conscious of that relationship, even if they do struggle with how to separate themselves from their mothers. Men don’t always invest this time to think about the fathers they want to be and want not to be. But it’s so crucial. If you see it there, in black and white, it can help you be you and not your parents. You know what they say about those who can’t remember the past…