I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard my teenage daughter express in exasperation, “You never listen to me.” I am always flabbergasted and get defensive.
How could she possibly say that I don’t listen? I am always here, always available.
It wasn’t until I happened to start reading a book the same night we had the aforementioned exchange when I realized how right she was. I really don’t listen to her.
The book is called “The Seven Desires of Every Heart” by Mark and Debra Laaser. The first chapter provides a summary of what the rest of the book is about, the seven desires that every human being has.
Guess what the first desire is? It is to be heard and understood…in other words, to be listened to. Honestly, I was nearly in tears as I began to read. Suddenly the light switch in my mind went on and I realized how right my daughter was.
One of the things that really stood out to me was this: “When we are invested in a relationship, our own emotions often distract us from truly listening, even if we have the best intentions of doing so.”
I realized that while my intentions have been there, my emotions have definitely gotten in the way of truly hearing what my daughter has to say. So the first thing I need to work on is pushing those emotions down. I can’t allow them to overtake me.
Then I read this: “Great listening skills get trumped by our desire to be heard ourselves! And so we interrupt, or interject our own opinion, or figure out a way to get the focus back to our feeling, need, or opinion.”
Guilty as charged! Yes, I am always waiting for the moment to slip in what I want to say. That isn’t listening.
So this means keeping quiet, even when I am dying inside to say what I want to say.
So what exactly is listening? It is, as the authors’ state: “Listening involves hearing the heart of someone—hearing someone’s feelings.”
See, I tend to hear what I think is being said. Let me give you a personal example. My daughter expressed her feelings about something. I decided to interpret those feelings for her instead of taking them at face value.
I responded with, “No, you just want someone to always agree with you.” I completely dismissed everything she had just said. I invalidated her feelings by that statement.
Needless to say, I have some apologizing to do. I also have some work ahead.
How have you learned to be a better listener?
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