One of the biggest hurdles that most marriages have to overcome is money. Fighting about money is one of the leading causes of disharmony and discontent in marriage. It is also one of the things that contribute to divorce. And in today’s world, where many couples marry after years of making all their financial decisions solo, it can be especially difficult to work out money issues. But there are some things that you can do to help strengthen your marriage as well as reduce the amount of time you spend as a couple fighting over money.
First of all, it is important to realize that fights about money are usually not just about money. There are usual security, control, and power issues involved as well. When money is tight, both partners may feel less secure, prompting nervousness, irritably and an on edge feel that makes both partners snappish. Additionally, when one spouse makes a great many financial decisions without the other, one person feels out of control. Who controls the money and makes the final decision becomes a power struggle, especially if partners have differences of opinion and handle money with different styles. The first step to fixing these problems is to recognize them.
Next, you need to accept that your partner has as much right to making decisions as you do. The two of you need to understand that you will have some joint expenses. Some couples arrange so that each member of the partnership has control over a certain amount of money. This can be a set amount, or it can be a percentage of what each person makes. In single income families, it is important for the wage earner to understand that the person staying home and care for house and kids has a very important, time consuming, and exhausting job that society does not compensate them monetarily for. Whoever stays home is contributing just as much to the family’s well being and should have equal say in money decisions.
After you have discovered the underlying issues to your money struggles, and after you recognize that the other person has financial say too, it is time to talk about your money styles. You need to have calm, adult discussions about your money style and then listen and try to understand your partner’s money style. You should talk about needs and fears, as well as past experiences (maybe before you met) with money. You need to recognize your own weaknesses and acknowledge your partner’s strengths. Perhaps the hardest combo is the diehard saver-free spender money marriage. If you both talk about your experiences, you will get to the “why” behind these practices and understand each other better.
Finally, after you’ve had your discussion, it is time for the two of you to compromise and decide on some rules together. This is especially important when partners are coming in from other marriages (especially with kids). Rules are comforting. You can decide how much money each partner gets per month to spend without discussion. Other couples don’t mind a multitude of small expenditures but insist that anything that costs more than a certain amount warrants discussion before purchase. The key is to take your partner’s needs into account, as well as your own, and work out rules that both can live with. And then stick to them.