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Is there such a thing as being too nice? When we’re in a relationship with someone, particularly when we’re married, we learn the answer to that question: yes. It’s not necessarily that too much niceness is bad, but that what one person might interpret as nice isn’t so great for the other.
A friend and I were talking about that today in relation to our husbands. She shared that one time, her husband managed to bring home a big chocolate cake on the first day she was starting a new diet, something he knew about. Another time he kept filling up her drink glass, thinking he was being sweet and getting her refills. She drank more than she intended because of it, and felt sick.
My husband’s done similar things. He tries to help me cook dinner, but sometimes he’s messed up the recipe because he didn’t know what he was doing; he jumped in without asking. Sometimes he does this out of his engineering need to always do things most efficiently, but other times he thinks he’s helping out.
These are tricky situations: we should treat our spouses well, let them know we appreciated their efforts, even if those efforts misfired. But sometimes they might misfire for the worse, and especially if we’re, for example, made sick by that, should we hide all of our feelings? We do need to tell our spouses to stop, so the situation isn’t repeated.
That’s the problem: Jon just looks so sad when he feels like he’s not being appreciated. He’s so excited to help out, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. But other times he’s hurt mine even when he didn’t mean to, and I’ll admit it: I’m human, and I bristle.
I know this is just a little problem. It’s not the sort of thing that makes or breaks a marriage. But sometimes the little things, when you add up enough of them, can. It’s a hard situation to navigate: how do we make our own unhappiness clear without being rude or mean to the other person?
First, I’d determine just how badly you were inconvenienced. If it’s a small thing, try your best to brush it off. If it’s something you’d really rather not repeated, then tell your spouse. But do so considerately, and make sure they knew that they’re appreciated. Try not to be mean; marriage can be tough, without us making it worse over the little things.
We should always try to do nice things for our spouses. A big part of being nice is thoughtfulness, so make sure to put thought into what you’re doing for your spouse, to think whether or not they’d appreciate it. If you’re on the receiving end of too much niceness: remember that what your spouse did, he or she did out of love, and craft your response accordingly.
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*(The above image by photostock is from freedigitalphotos.net).