One of the most depressing things that can happen in a marriage is the loss of respect. If your spouse or you find yourself beginning to talk down to and shame your spouse, you need to get a handle on it immediately. Failure to do so can result in divorce or even worse, many years of dejection and a truly unhappy marriage.
People need to know that they matter. That their opinions are worthwhile and that what they say makes a difference. Spouses need to be able to share their feelings honestly without fear of rejection, ridicule, or shame. To be afraid to speak in the group when you are out with your friends because you don’t know how your spouse will react-or worse, you know that they will make fun of you or behave condescendingly can cause you to shut down completely, and not want to go out or talk for fear of the consequences.
What happens to a marriage that seemed to start out with mutual respect and trust? Maybe you thought that it was neat that your spouse was so smart when you first met, but now what was cute is now the source of great sadness as they feel as if they have to argue or one-up you on every topic. What’s worse is when they try to explain some thing to you as if you never knew anything about the subject. This is particularly depressing when you are basically a smart and knowledgeable person.
Chances are that they were always like that, and you just didn’t notice it, or pretended that it wasn’t that bad. Maybe in the beginning it wasn’t, but over the years a simple conversation has to turn into a debate or a lecture.
The hardest thing to do is to confront and discuss this with your mate. Chances are that they will deny that they are shaming you or become defensive; turning the problem into one you caused or made up. If you are lucky, they will listen and apologize, saying that they didn’t realize that their behavior was shaming. If this is the case, there is hope for your marriage and you are one of the lucky ones. If this is the case, you can begin to work on the solution by coming up with a secret phrase or word that the two of you can use in company to let the other one know that you are feeling shamed by their words or actions. It is nearly impossible to change someone, but changing the behavior between the two of you can happen. You can concentrate on fixing the problem, and not fixing your spouse. If this isn’t the case, you have one more chance. You can tell them that regardless of what they think-that you are overreacting -your feelings are valid, important and that this problem needs to be worked on somehow, as no one deserves to feel like they are less than their spouse or not good enough.