When you’re having a particularly hard time with the kids, do you ever find yourself wishing, “If only I had someone to help me with this…”.
Coupled parents seem to have so many advantages that we don’t when it comes to disciplining their children. After all, they have someone to:
* back them up
* reinforce the rules
* help lay down the law
* share responsibility for discipline
As I was thinking about this, I started to wonder: how is single-parent discipline different from double-parent discipline? Are there really little tricks to effective discipline that apply only to us?
I turned to the Internet to explore this question. During my research, the book, “Positive Discipline for Single Parents,” by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin and Carol Delzer, kept popping up everywhere. I decided that these women must have the secrets to successful single parenting. So I “Googled” Jane Nelsen, found her web site, and e-mailed her with my questions.
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., is the co-author of not only “Positive Discipline for Single Parents,” but also an entire series of “Positive Discipline” books. She responded very promptly to my questions, but only after bursting my two-parent-fantasy bubble.
“You create a very idealized picture of what parenting is like for couples,” Dr. Nelsen wrote to me. “Do you really think that they back each other up? Our experience is that one of the biggest reasons for divorce is how much couples differ in their parenting styles and that they fight over this,” she said.
Further debunking my fairy-tale notions of the two-parent home, Dr. Nelsen didn’t stop there. “I know of very few couples who split disciplinary responsibilities,” she continued. “Instead, you have one parent (usually the wife) who feels very lonely because she is married to someone who doesn’t share the responsibility.”
OK, so then what is the difference between single-parent and double-parent discipline?
“The parenting methods we recommend for single parents,” Dr. Nelsen explained, “are very similar to what we recommend to couples.”
Although I’ve owned “Positive Discipline for Single Parents” for years, I admit that it’s been awhile since I flipped through my copy. Dr. Nelsen must have sensed this, because she proceeded to very patiently summarize what the book is actually all about. In fact, she quickly outlined six key elements of “PDSP”:
1. “We help parents deal with the issues of their hurt and anger — and to help their children deal with their feelings.
2. “We encourage single parents to dismiss the label of being a ‘broken family’ and realize that they are just a different kind of family.
3. “We help them deal with issues with their
ex — and how to help their children deal with the fact that parenting styles may be very different when they visit their ‘other’ parent.
4. “We encourage single parents never to use their children as pawns as they deal with the hurt and rejection they may be experiencing.
5. “We point out the dangers of pampering their children to ‘make up’ to them for the fact that they have only one parent — and the importance of allowing their children to be important contributors (helpers) to develop their sense of being needed and feeling capable.
6. “We help single parents understand that even one parent and one child is a ‘family’ and that they should have family meetings to teach their children so many valuable life skills, such as focusing on finding solutions to problems.”
So there you have it, from the expert. What can I possibly add?
Not much, except that I thanked Dr. Nelsen for the reality check. It’s good for single parents to be reminded now and then that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.