Even though we may be separated or divorced from our child’s other parent, most of us single parents are not ever completely separated from our ex in-laws or the “other” family. After all, these people are often still involved with our children and they are part of our children’s lives even if they do not really feel like they are part of ours. When there is a death in our children’s other family, it can be challenging and confusing for us as to what our role is and how to help our children deal with the loss and grief.
Our kids need all the support they can get and I know how challenging this can be when the death is in the other family. It might even be the passing of someone who was not particularly nice to us or someone with whom we had disagreements with when we were part of the family. Try to focus on what is going on for your child and provide the love, concern, and support you would want for them. I think it also helps to consider how you would like the other family to behave if someone in your world passed away.
Do whatever you can to behave appropriately and show support—whether it is attending the wake, funeral or services, sending condolences and helping your child to understand what his or her part is in everything. This may mean stepping outside your own personal feelings and history for a short time in order to be available for your child. I think it is also a good idea to try to focus on the positive things you remember about the other person. After all, many of us were part of the “other family” for a while and may have some pleasant or pertinent stories to share and our children will benefit from feeling that connection. Remember that the other family is part of your child too and anything negative you say may be construed as an attack on them. Take the high road, focus on the child, and be as respectful as possible with your former relatives and in-laws. They ARE still part of your child’s family.