How many times have we been told that we need to avoid “bottling up” anger and that it is healthier to express our rage rather than holding it inside? While it is definitely true that “pent up” anger is unhealthy physically, psychologically and spiritually, the view that tantrums are acceptable is not in harmony with traditional Jewish teachings.
But wait a minute, isn’t anger natural? Aren’t we all entitled to get angry sometimes? The answer to these questions is “yes” and “no.” Yes, anger is “natural” the way lust and greed are natural, but one is not “entitled” to engage in behavior because it is natural. The sages say that losing one’s temper does as much damage as idol worship, because at those moments, one forgets about G-d and those close to him. There are many mothers who would otherwise give their lives for their children, but who are nevertheless capable of giving a child a blow in a moment of rage. The reason for this is, no matter how powerful the connection we feel for another, anger causes us to forget this connection and to act in ways we would not ordinarily want to.
But doesn’t expressing anger release it? According to kabbalist Rabbi Wolf, expressing anger only develops it, like exercise, and encourages it to grow. One temper tantrum sets the stage for the next one.
I admit to being a bit hot-tempered myself on occasion, and it is a trait I am working on. I mention this to avoid the charge of hypocrisy. Most of use “lose it” at one time or another, so what can we do to avoid this damaging habit?:
• Decide that anger will not be tolerated: A person who allows himself to smoke one cigarette is likely to smoke ten, but only if smoking is absolutely not allowed can one have any chance of quitting. The same is true of anger
Speak your mind: The Rambam, a famous Jewish sage, said that one should tell person how he or she feels than to carry a grudge in the heart. If you are upset with someone, tell them in a diplomatic way.
• Express Your Feelings: This is related to the one above. Keep in mind that there is a difference between being “upset” and “angry.” To avoid blowing up at my kids, I tell them “that annoys me” or “I am getting upset,” when I begin to feel agitated. By expressing feelings rationally, they are less likely to manifest themselves in the form of a temper tantrum. In fact, tantrums are the result of repressed emotions.
• Anger is not an emotion: Rabbi Manis Friedman says that anger is not an emotion, but is something that blocks true feelings. When one is under the influence of anger, he or she forgets relationships, his or her children and spouses. Identify the true emotion you are feeling. Anger is just a reaction to the emotion
• Reflect Back: One can only have a temper tantrum if the focus is on oneself. Rabbi Laibel Wolf teaches that when a person begins to feel angry, he or she should reflect back to the cause of the upset. Tune in to the person with whom you are upset. When you focus on him or her, you will take fuel away from your anger. This is especially useful in dealing with family and friends
• Know Your Trigger points: You need to know what triggers you anger and to be on “red alert” during these times. It might help to keep an anger log or journal.
• Time out: Adults needs time out too! The old –fashioned counting to ten method works
• The Mind Rules the Heart: Rabbi Schenur Zalman of Liadi outlined in his work, The Tanya, methods of controlling impulses. In a nutshell, one should be aware that the mind should be in control of the heart and to use reason rather than reaction to deal with problems
• Put G-d in the Picture: When you feel angry, tell yourself that G-d is in control of the world and that everything that happens is ultimately for your benefit, although it might not seem like it at the time. My 3 year old was devastated today when I took away a battery that he was sucking on, and was also crushed when I refused to let him play with the oven. He didn’t know my “ultimate purpose” and likewise, we do not know G-d’s, but like children, we should trust that he is good.
• Get Help: If you feel that your anger is harming your relationships, seek help on how to cope.
• Forgive yourself: If you lose your nerve, get right back on track, and do not indulge in guilty feelings. Onward and upward!