One of the benefits of single parenthood that I have found is that my children and I are bonded…tightly. We are close and have trusting relationships that have stretched and bounced through all sorts of tests and trials. I think this is one of the reasons that when there is natural distance that develops at time between parent and child, it can be really tough for a single parent. We worry that we are “losing them” or that something is wrong—even when it might be absolutely age-appropriate for us to be experiencing the distance.
I do not want you to think that I am advocating giving into evolving distance with your child or children—we still need to try to stay connected, but it might take some of the pressure off if we realize that it is normal even for a single parent family for periodic distance to develop. When our children go through stages of adolescence is a typical time for us to feel distance from them, but they also may pull away during other times—when they are going through personal changes, or if they feel as though we are being too overbearing or clingy or expecting too much emotional support from them. Unless there are other signs of trouble—severe mood changes, changes in who they hang out with, drop in grades, etc. that might signify a mental health or other problem, we might need to just take a step back and allow them a little space. Instead of getting our feelings hurt when they turn to their friends instead of us, we can be happy that they have reliable friends and rejoice that they are building relationships in the world besides just our bond.
Many single parents find that during those natural periods of distance, it encourages the parent to start to build other relationships and personal interests too. Of course, we are not going to abandon our children, but those little growing pains of distance can help spur us toward personal growth and expansion too. Plus, it helps us learn how to get our emotional and personal needs met elsewhere so we can be healthy and present parents with good boundaries—instead of being overly-dependent on our children.
Also: Are There Ways to Foster MORE Independence?
Being Influenced By Our Children