I’m not exactly sure when the perspective shift happened to me. But for parents of special needs children, it needs to happen, and hopefully it does before too much time is wasted. I’m talking about the change in viewpoint that brings us to a happier, healthier mindset in dealing with children who have challenges.
The reality is that we can’t wish away or hope away the disability. And we certainly don’t want to delude ourselves and live in denial. “It is what it is.” Prior to getting to the point of acceptance, there’s a lot of pain and turmoil. There’s anger. It honestly seems like every mother you see at the park, the grocery store, and everywhere else you look has beautiful, perfect children with no problems. Nobody else has to deal with a child who acts this way, looks this way, or needs this much help. Fate has been cruel. Life isn’t fair. God (or the universe) has forsaken my family.
What is required is the willingness to stand back, face the situation in all it’s scary reality, and just look at it. See it. Take a deep breath and say, “This isn’t what I expected. It’s harder. But it will be okay. I love my child.”
A perspective change means, instead of seeing only the crutches, we celebrate that our child is making great progress getting around. Instead of seeing that other children are farther along in development, we recognize that our child is charting his own course. We stop comparing our situation with what could have been, should have been, ought to have been. We simply say, “this is.”
John Callahan is a quadriplegic due to a terrible car accident. He has said,
“People sometimes say, ‘You have such strength and you’ve been through such tragedy.’ And I always remember the cartoon I drew years ago of an obese man who has fallen flat on his face and spilled all of his candy. He’s thinking, ‘What kind of God would allow a thing like this to happen?”
It’s all in our perspective. We can imagine the man who’s fallen on the ground and chuckle, because his perspective is so skewed. Isn’t it also possible then, to see our own perspectives as skewed? Aren’t we all capable of looking at our own situations and choosing to see the good?
I suppose my perspective shift was a gradual process. But I can honestly say I no longer feel profound sadness over Kyle’s autism. Somehow he is just Kyle, and I’ve come to not only accept that but delight in it. Still, I remember the days when I was suffering. Readers, if you are still in that grief place, let me send along my good wishes and encourage you that things will get better. Never perfect, but better. Let the perspective shift gradually take hold. This is a conscious decision. When you are able to put comparisons and disappointment away and enjoy the happy moments, peace will return.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
Related Articles:
Falling in Love with Your Real Child
Three Myths About Raising a Special Needs Child