When my husband and I married and blended our families, we also had to blend our rules. We outlined them clearly to the kids. We thought we were being pretty proactive and efficient. But, at the same time, it quickly became apparent that we created little monsters with tattle “tales”!! Suddenly, everything became an excuse to tell us grown-ups what a little one was doing wrong.
It became obvious that something needed to be done. Things were out of hand! We put our proverbial heads together and decided that we’d consistently reply with the phrase “Is it bleeding? If not, we don’t want to hear about it.” We thought this would solve all our problems. Who knew there are all sorts of things we actually do want to hear about that don’t involve blood! Like broken bones! And latex paint smiley faces on the side of the house! Ok, really, those things didn’t happen. But minor versions made this new adage no longer practical.
What a quandary. We Although we really wanted all the children to follow all the family rules all of the time, we were sick of siblings playing “little mommy” or “little daddy” and trying to get the others in trouble for breaking rules that were of no consequence at all to the tattle tale. We wanted to hear about real problems that couldn’t be solved by the kids, themselves. We wanted to leave the lines of communication open, of course. But we didn’t want to be used as the central repository for little narks! We didn’t want the kids to turn on each other but we also didn’t want the kids to overly rely on us adults to solve their problems and conflicts. We had guided them already in life to hone these skills, they could do it. But relying on us was easier, effortless. Only after they really tried did we want to be invited to intervene. We should not be the first resort.
So after a lot of trial and error, we finally found the method that works for us. It’s so simple; we often wonder what took us so long. The magic solution? Ask for help. That’s all. Just ask for help. If the child can’t word it in the form of a request for help, we don’t want to hear it. Forcing our kids to make the tattle their own issue instead of an issue about the other person’s big mistakes really drove home the essence of the bump in the conflict resolution road. It was no longer about getting someone else in trouble. It was about asking for help in resolving a conflict that they couldn’t resolve themselves.
Instead of : “Bobby hit me!”
We heard: “I need help getting Bobby to take turns with the basketball.”
Instead of: “Angela called me a poopy-head!”
We heard: “Can you help Angela and I resolve a problem?”
A lot of the problems that were previously aimed at getting someone else in trouble for things that were none of their business were instantly resolved. Finding a way to ask for help when Sean rides his bike beyond the limits before turning around is most difficult because it really isn’t about the tattle tale! There isn’t a good way to make that about him or her. So we encouraged the kids to remind each other to follow the rules but to focus on their own integrity, personal responsibility and accountability and to stop narking on each other!
In the six years since we implemented the “ask for help” rule, I can count on one had the number of times a child has tattled in a negative or unhealthy way. Accountability is up. Annoyance is down. It’s a win-win solution!