In a recent article, Four Tips for a Healthy Marriage, I asked this question:
“Do we look for and mention the positive things our spouses do and say, or are we often too quick to make note of the negative?”
It is important to discuss differences. I’m not suggesting otherwise, but being quick to find fault without taking the time to notice the good things our mates say and do as well, can lead to resentment and bitterness. It’s wise to remember that constructive criticism works better and it works best when applied along with other positive, more complimentary statements.
There is no need for us to tear down our spouses in order to make a point. We can voice grievances without doing so in a hurtful manner. We will also tend to get a better response when we do so.
How often do you say “thank you” to your spouse? When is the last time you expressed pride in your mate? How often do you point out positive things or brag on your husband or wife to other people? Do the positive comments and gestures outweigh negative ones? If not, try to at least balance the two and avoid allowing the negative to override the positive.
You may be angry or upset, or you may be thinking, “What positives?” There is something good about every person, in fact, many things, and you can find them if you really want to. You might also find that the gentler approach and consistent reminders of good things can soften and change attitudes (both yours and your spouse’s), where constant reminders of negatives can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Tell somebody he or she is no good, or a similar sentiment, and say it often enough, and it will come true.
Very few people will respond affirmatively to criticism or nagging anyway. We usually result to these tactics because we don’t know how to get the other person to listen. Yet, these tactics push our spouses even further away. If you’ve gotten into such a rut, you’ve probably noticed that things are getting worse instead of better.
Try accentuating the positive. Try constructive criticism instead of complaining. Try coupling the two to see if you get a better response.
I’ve seen quite a few couples that refuse to give an inch and they end up separated, divorced, or still together but miserable. Treat your spouse how you would like to be treated. Something’s got to give or nothing will change, or as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that workin’ for you?”