As a parent, I know that there is nothing more difficult and upsetting to me than when my children experience pain. I want to stop it; do anything I can to keep them from suffering and feeling pain and it can be incredibly hard to be present, listen, and be compassionate without getting angry and wanting to jump into revenge mode. In order to be able to be truly available for our children, however, we may need to be fully present and accept their pain first.
It can be especially hard when we have done something that has caused our children pain–we have let them down, or gotten angry or said or done something hurtful. The last thing we want to do is have to face our faults and admit that we have done something that has caused suffering for our children. It is important, however, for us to hear their pain and feel the compassion in order to make amends. Otherwise, not only will we have hurt them, but we will have rejected their pain and lost the opportunity to be compassionate and set things right.
If we need to get involved and intervene or protect our children, then we certainly must do that. Other times, they are feeling hurt by something a peer has said, or upset by something that has happened as school, on the field or in some other aspect of their lives. They may be suffering the pain of being left out or experiencing a broken heart. Our job is then to be there and accept their pain, give them the words and experience to express their feelings and allow them empathy. We cannot eliminate life’s painful lessons or try to will them away by pretending they are not happening. Our children are going to get those painful lessons regardless but we can be much more helpful to them if we can accept and support than if we ignore or try to talk them out of feeling the hurt and pain they are experiencing.
Also: Children Who Can’t Trust
Night Terrors: How to Help Your Child