Addictions: For Better or For Worse

One of the most damaging addictions to a marriage is alcoholism, but there are many other addictions which can pull your marriage apart. Other drugs, sex, gambling, all of these can wreck havoc on a relationship.
Take the case of Vicki and Jim, a couple who were married for ten years. Jim began to go to strip clubs with his buddies after work. They drank a little, but most of the money and time spent were on lap dances. Jim didn’t tell Vicki what he was doing, and always spent cash, so it didn’t show up in their bank papers. Jim didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, he wasn’t sleeping with these girls, after all, and would never cheat on his wife. In his mind, it was only cheating if he stayed with one of the dancers. He only went once a week, on Fridays after work.
Eventually Jim began to go to the strip clubs a couple times a week, and soon was going by himself. He took money out of the ATM one night, when he ran out of cash, but thought he could pass it off as needing gas money-he only took $50.00 out, after all.
All this time Vicki had no idea what was happening. She knew that Jim was oming home later and later, but passed it off as a long work day. She didn’t question the withdrawals at first, but eventually Jim was taking out $200 and $300 a night to spend on lap dances. To make a long story short, Jim and Vicki got divorced, and Vicki got the house.
The moral to this story is an exercise in the progression of addiction and lying to your spouse. Jim started out going to the clubs once a week, but it progressed from $20.00 one night a week to $300 every night that he went, and he lied to Vicki at every turn in the meantime. When I asked him what the draw was, he explained that it wasn’t so much about sex-it was the excitement of the promise of sex-the “chase” that turned him on. He also didn’t know where this had come from. He and Vicki weren’t having problems with the intimacy in their marriage when this all began, and like most people with addictive personalities, he was as much surprised with the progression of the addiction as anyone. Vicki was so humiliated and unable to forgive that their marriage went to pieces and they were divorced within a year.
The answers are hard to swallow. If you find yourself in a place where you have begun to lie to your spouse about the amount of time and money you spend when you are away, I urge you to come clean while you still have a chance to save your marriage. You are the only one who can admit your faults, and your spouse probably has an idea that something is going on, but may not want to admit it-they do not want to rock the boat or maybe they genuinely believe it will change. The bottom line in marriage is trust-and once you’ve broken it it’s very hard to get it back. So come clean and begin to heal, it might even save your marriage.