Just when I think that we have all settled in to a groove and have completely recovered from the trauma of divorce and the crisis our family faced all those years ago–things tend to reappear. I’ve been told by the “experts” that it is perfectly normal and healthy for “old issues” to reappear with kids–especially when they go through big developmental leaps and changes–like adolescence.
As kids grow and develop–they tend to get a “new lease” on old issues. There may be things that they just weren’t able to face or cope with when they were younger and as they get to know themselves better, move around in the world more, and their emotions are stretched and stimulated–they come back to old hurts and haunts and need to work through them again. This can be tough for a single parent who feels as though the past is dead and buried and you are living a completely different life now.
I admit that even though I know it is normal and I’ve come to expect issues to pop up from time to time, I’m still not thrilled about it and I don’t always handle it as grandly as I would like. There are those days when the last thing I want to do is re-hash ancient history. But kids need to be able to talk things through, to go back and reorganize their memories and be able to ask parents tough questions. Keep in mind that just as they are not really the “same” person they were 5 or 10 years ago ( a little child), you also are not the same person you were in the midst of the divorce, separation, death, etc. Try to see it as a chance for you to go back and fill in some empty spaces and help your child heal on an even deeper level. You may find that the experience is bonding and healing for you too.
When adolescents (or any older kids) want to go back and revisit some of that ancient family history, it is helpful if you welcome it as an opportunity to encourage communication, honesty, and helping your child develop strong personal and emotional skills.
Also: Keeping Your Kids in the Loop During Transition and Change