There are a few differences when you adopt a second (or subsequent) child, whether your children are yours by birth or by adoption. Your proposed child will have a great effect on your other children, emotionally and in terms of your family’s lifestyle. I think siblings are wonderful, but my next several blogs will talk about some things you may want to consider.
Most adoption counselors advise against adopting out of birth order—meaning, adopting kids who are older than you already have. That said, I’ve seen it work out just fine in certain families.
The adoption experts especially advise, however, against displacing the oldest child. To be the oldest all your life and then be the younger one can cause confusion and resentment. I can also see that, although my oldest daughter is a second child (my first is a son), she also would feel displaced if there were a new kid—especially a girl—who was older than she was.
All parents contemplating adding to their family, by birth or adoption, wonder about the ideal spacing of children. I have had some people tell me that two and a half to three years is ideal. I have had some people tell me that longer is ideal. I’ve had some people tell me that having three kids in under three years is extremely hard when they’re all in diapers, but much easier after that when they can entertain each other.
Feelings about spacing are often influenced by parents’ own experiences. My family is a case in point. I am five years older than my two younger sisters, who are close in age. I somewhat envied their closeness and the fact that they shared many of the same experiences and friends in high school. I wanted my children to be closer in age. My husband, on the other hand, had a brother 20 months younger and only one grade apart in in school. They remember not getting along at all as kids, although they are quite friendly now. So in talking about our family, I kept saying that I hoped our kids wouldn’t be too far apart, and my husband kept saying he hoped they wouldn’t be too close together.
The advice I have read from noted pediatrician and author T. Berry Brazelton is to not worry so much about the effects of spacing on children—try for another child when the parents are ready. I suppose that’s good advice for adoptive parents as well—consider your own situation and resources of energy.
Please see these related blogs:
Do You Treat Children Differently because of Birth Order?
The Let’s Talk Blog Top Ten – Reasons to Have a Small Sibling Age Gap
The Let’s Talk Blog Top Ten – Reasons to Have a Large Sibling Age Gap