Last blog, I shared that few teenage mothers place their children for adoption. I believe many do not do so because of common myths about adoption. Many people do not understand that in domestic adoption today, a birthmother can choose the family she wants to adopt her child. She can choose a family most like hers, or most like the one she wishes were hers, in terms of religion, family structure, rural or urban location, beliefs about education and discipline, and more.
Many people also do not understand that birthmothers in the U.S. seldom go through their lives wondering if their child is all right. Most adoptions in the U.S. are open or semi-open. Open adoptions usually mean some degree of contact with the child and the adoptive family. Semi-open adoptions mean an exchange of letters and pictures through an agency or intermediary.
The birthmother is thus reassured that her child is all right, and the adoptive family has ready access to information about family history of medical issues, learning disabilities, allergies, temperaments. The child has information about his heritage and why his birthmother thought he would be better off with an adoptive family. He does not have to imagine that there was a reason he was somehow “unwanted”.
I believe that children should grow up knowing that some people are adopted. Sometimes this is because their parents cannot care for them due to financial reasons, youth, lack of education, job opportunities and stable housing. Sometimes the parents recognize that they themselves have not had good models of parenting and are ill-equipped to parent another person at this point in their lives.
Some parents are unable to care for their children because of substance addictions or an inability to control their anger. In most cases they still feel love for their children, but if the children are at risk of not getting their needs met then society steps in and helps find other parents to care for them, either temporarily or permanently. They should understand that foster care is temporary and may be short-term or long-term, and that adoption is permanent.
I would like to see all teens read a book or two about adoption. One option is Jeanne Warren Lindsey’s Pregnant? Adoption is an Option. There are parent and teacher guides and a student workbook to complement this book. Another book by Lindsey is Open Adoption: a Caring Option. These books would give teens adoption information, while To Keera with Love or Annie’s Baby helps teens empathize with a young mother’s decision to place her child for adoption.
The Adoption Decision, while aimed at adoptive parents, also contains the story of a birthmother. It talks about her high school days, her initial plan to keep the baby, what led her to consider adoption as her pregnancy progressed, her meeting with the adoptive parents, the placement, her subsequent grief and a poem that she wrote for the child, a couple of years of exchanging letters and photos with the adoptive family without sharing last names of addresses, then moving to an open relationship where she meets with her son’s family several times a year.
In our next blog I will talk about showing youth the consequences of both adoption and teen parenting.
Please see this related blog: