It wasn’t all roses and peaches. It wasn’t all happy and joyful. The search for my biological mother was painful, grueling and time consuming. I would never say it wasn’t worth every moment, but it was still all those things and more.
During a point in my search when I found that my biological mother did not want contact, I wrote this piece of poetry. I am choosing to share it because of the comments and messages I have received in regards to my search being peaches and roses and needing to recognize that they aren’t all that way.
I just want other’s to realize that I do know they don’t all end well. That adoption searches have been a huge part of my life and that I have seen both good and bad.
And I once had bad….
Darkness
Trapped in a darkened place,
quietly yearning for the desperation to release.
Blackness surrounds and yet…somewhere….light.
Grasping slowly as to unveil the truth behind the darkness..
Moving in shadows to complete the maze before me…
Unraveling the secrets of the life I live.
Fumbling I feel the walls that enclose me within…
Trying harder I begin to focus on the light, stumbling forward.
Finding still only darkness.
Black, smoky darkness.
Again, reaching out to find a hidden world….
Entering slowly, crossing into a dimly lit space.
Slowly I turn absorbing each aspect of this new found place.
Closer, only inches….the light is there.
I move forward to embrace the light ….
still I find only smoke.
Desperately chasing the smoke away.
I cling to the hope of the light ….
Of finding what I need……
And as the smoke begins to clear….
I see her….she stands before me.
A Shining Light.
Embodying everything.
The desperation dissolves and is replaced
by an envelope of warmth and love….
And so she stands for everything I have desired…
and never will she question the significance of her presence.
She stands. Waiting.
And I finally feel loved.