Many adoptive families receive wonderful training before they get too far along in the process of adopting a baby or child. Part of this training often includes discussion of positive adoption language. In the past, certain phrases and choices of words were considered normal. Today we have learned that some of the old language was hurtful to one or more members of the adoption triad.
The Adoption Triad is one of the more recent terms developed to point out that with any adoption there are three different groups of people who will forever be connected by adoption. The adopted person, the birth families and the adoptive parents make up the three sides of the Adoption Triad.
Adoption is a one-time event and happens on a certain day just as everyone has a birthday, adopted people have a day when they were adopted. Many people still use the term adoptee to define an adopted person. This term is no longer considered positive language because it defines the person and not the event of adoption. In most spell check programs the word adoptee will show up as a misspelled word.
It has not been too many years since terms such as natural and real were used to define the role of the birth parents. The question to ask is if a parent is not natural are they plastic? If a parent is not real are they fake? And, if we use these terms to define the birth parents of our adopted child are we telling them we are fake or not natural? Today, most people have decided the most appropriate terms to use to define the parents who gave birth to an adopted child are birthmother, birthfather and birthparents.
It is important to note that a birthmother is an expectant mother or a mother until she has relinquished her rights to her child. Referring to a pregnant woman who is considering an adoption plan as the birthmother before she has relinquished is not respectful to the woman and can cause her to feel objectified.
Old language often said a baby was Given Up or Taken Away for adoption. These phrases often hunted adopted people and also hurt birth families who did not give up a child. Instead birth families have made a choice to give their baby the best possible life and have agreed to relinquish their rights. Children in the foster care system typically have birth parents who have a legal termination of parental rights.
When an expectant mother decides to make an adoption plan current positive adoption language refers to the adoption plan and does not say a mother is giving away, giving up or putting up her baby for adoption.
When an expectant mother makes an adoption plan and later decides to Parent her child, old language would say she has decided to keep her child. Deciding to parent a child is much more than keeping it and to use the word keep demeans the mother’s change of heart. It also sends a negative message to adopted people that some are kept and others are not.
The general public may not always be aware of the Children in need of a family or waiting children because in the past many of these children were called Adoptable, or available. Both of these terms had such clinical connotations and did not focus on the fact the child is a human needing loving parents. We no longer refer to children placed by loving birth mothers as an unwanted child, or illegitimate child.
In the past, many people called children adopted from another country Foreign Adoptions or Foreign Children today we realize this is damaging and not acceptable language and use International or Inter-country adoption.
Positive adoption language is our responsibility as the parents to help teach our families, communities, and something we as parents need to make ourselves aware of and practice. While the language of today may be found equally negative in the future, it is important to do our best and use terms that are both positive and accepted by all the members of the adoption triad.
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