When a child is placed in a new home with new parents everyone’s world changes and the whole family faces a period of adjustment. Adoptive parents are happy, excited and ready to work on all the things we have learned will help our children attach and become secure. The child however, may be feeling a variety of mixed emotions and may have left a life with very different expectations and limits for behavior. Typically, there is a period of time where everyone is getting to know each other, children generally have a honeymoon period and adoptive parents should enjoy this time.
Honeymoons however, are generally not long and usually last until the time when a child starts to test the situation. Some children adjust to a new family and new limits well, perhaps because the adoptive family has similar expectations as the last family the child lived with. Other children, especially those who may have suffered abuse or neglect in the past, may feel the need to test their new adoptive parents. Children use the tools they have and when it comes to testing parents’, behavior is the sledge hammer in a child’s tool box.
As the “new parents” we want our children to adjust to our family and attach so it’s easy to ignore or overlook some of the behaviors or signs of behavior problems early in placement. The last thing parents want to do is jump in and start with the limit setting, but this is exactly the best thing to do. Parents may feel reluctant to start the limit setting during transition or early placement thinking any negative response may hinder attachment.
Clear and consistent limit setting from day one is vital and in truth will help a child adjust and attach more smoothly. Waiting to address behavior issues until they become a major problem or cause parents to read the point of anger may set the stage for problems later. Children don’t automatically know a new families standards or limits and allowing a child to push them will lead to a situation where parents have to backtrack and change things in the future. Some children may test the limits early in placement and see no reaction as an indication the behavior is acceptable in their new family. It can create situations of embarrassment or shame to find out later these things were not acceptable which may only lead to more emotional problems in the future.
As much as we want our adopted child to love us and be happy, parents need to start off with limit setting from the moment we first meet our children. There will be many behaviors that may need to be addressed in the future and many of these behaviors will be a result of past life experience the last thing we want to face is backtracking and changing those behaviors we allowed because we didn’t want to upset a newly placed child.
The next Blog in Attachment Parenting will address some of the ways to set limits in a healthy and positive way.
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.