My last blog talked about the stages of thinking adopted children sometimes go through as conceptualized by Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg in their book Inside Transracial Adoption. In this blog I’ll summarize a few of their thoughts about the stages adoptive parents go through in their thinking.
In the Pre-Conscious Stage, parents believe that the people they know will not have biases based on race or adoption. They are excited about adoption, perhaps feeling it is a noble calling, but basically believe their family will be the same as any other—love is all they’ll need. They believe that race doesn’t matter, and encouraging children to notice color or racism just makes them feel alienated or angry.
In the Contact Stage, parents are forced to encounter that not everyone shares their view of adoption. It might be a racial incident against their child, or simply intrusive questions being asked or people “feeling sorry” for their family because of the lack of genetic connection or believing that a large number of adopted children grow up “troubled”.
Parents also notice that their children have characteristics or temperament they do not share, and acknowledge that nature does play a role as well as nurture.
In the Disintegration Stage, parents’ new experiences have turned their viewpoints upside down. They want to “change the world” and set out to educate friends, acquaintances, strangers and the media about subtle or unsubtle discrimination about adoption or race. They are stunned to notice how often race appears as an issue and begin to worry whether their child will resent them.
In the Internalization Stage, parents realize that their child’s experience of the world, through race, being adopted, or genetics, differs significantly from their own. They realize the world is not fair and their impact, though significant, may be limited. They acknowledge that they need help from persons who share their child’s race. These realizations can push them either to new strength or to despair.
In the Immersion/Emerging Stage, parents see that adoptive families have unique strengths. They value their role in their child’s development and don’t feel in competition with the birthparents or members of the child’s culture. They seek out opportunities to be with and learn from those in their child’s culture and from other transracial adoptive families. They learn to deal with situations of bias by assessing each situation individually and deciding what response best helps their child, no longer taking things as personally.
Please see these related blogs:
Book Review: Inside Transracial Adoption
Book Review: Beyond Good Intentions: a Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally-Adopted Children