If you’re the adoptive parent of a child who was placed at an older age, attachment issues and disorders may be a part of your family experience. In some future Blogs, I will talk about how incentives, token rewards and charts usually don’t work well with children who have serious attachment disorders. House Rules on the other hand need to be clear, consistent and visual even for an child with an attachment disorder.
If adoptive parents followed their training advice and worked, hard for a healthy transition then accepting an older child placement should have started with some kind of House Rules from day one. Older children will find a sense of comfort knowing what is expected and what the rules of their new home are right from the day they become a part of the family.
Eventually, depending on how things are going and what kinds of difficulties a family may be dealing with, House Rules will need modification and change. I believe this is an important way adoptive parents can offer inclusion and a sense of ownership for our children. Ordinary parents have the luxury of years of conditioning their children to abide by the standards they have set.
Adopting an older child means, we parent someone who has experienced a life without us and lived in at least a few different families before becoming a part of ours. Older children need to feel some sense of control so offering them the opportunity to take part when House Rules are changed gives a child the chance to feel more important and part of the whole family.
With younger children, rules may be rather simple and changes may need to be made frequently as a child resists or accepts the rule. All the fun cut and glue picture charts and reward incentives are fine to attempt to use. If it works well, stick with it! If not, try as many different approaches as you can possibly think of to establish house rules that your child can follow.
Adoptive parents need to think of the most basic things. Usually, more basic then we expected due to the fact many older adopted children are emotionally younger. Start small, start with the things you wouldn’t expect to have to teach a five-year-old, or a 12-year-old. Someone may never have actually shown your child how or what to do. Your child may have no idea about basic ordinary things you may expect them to have learned. Depending on their background, most everything they know how to do they may have learned on their own. The House Rules should be Baby Steps.
The real goal in having House Rules is not about control. Older children or children with attachment disorders may feel the rules are only about control. The important thing about the house rules is that first the child is given a way to understand what the expectations are, and then provided with ways to succeed.
Allowing the child to take part in changing the rules gives them some control over what the rules are, and also helps them understand how to gain more independence and control over their lives. With house rules and involving our children in the changes of them, we give them a stake in the family. We give them a chance to be part of the design and validate the successes our adopted older child achieves.
Look for future Blogs with some specific examples of some House Rules.
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.