Why do married couples have affairs? It’s usually one or more of three factors, maybe you’ve grown tired of your relationship-it seems to be no longer exciting or has lost its steam. Another reason is the promise of excitement and the feeling of being special to someone else, that you are still desirable. Or maybe it’s the idea of causing your partner pain as a result of some real or imagined transgression they have committed against you.
The media is no help. Romanticizing affairs through movies has made the entertainment industry trillions of dollars with movies that end ‘happily’ with the participants engaging in affairs that lead to happier lives. In reality this is very seldom the case. Lives are often ruined and children made to suffer because of affairs. Often the spouse will blame the person they think is responsible for the affair, and the easiest one to blame is the outside party. The retaliation can be devastating.
The truth is that most people who have affairs don’t go out planning on having one. It seems to just happen, for all the reasons listed above and more.
Statistics show that most people believe in staying with just one partner and that having outside trysts is wrong, and yet the highest divorce rate statistics show the final decision for the divorce was because of an affair. (Over 79%, in fact.)
So how can affairs be prevented? The answer is through trust and honesty, not simply the promise and idea that you will stay with your spouse for the rest of your life.
We may get upset when we see our spouse checking out another woman (or guy) while we are out together, but if you’re both honest about it; it kind of takes the steam out of the situation. Humor can de-escalate the moment when nothing else can, so feel free to talk about it, rather than getting upset or instantly jealous. (“Yeah, she’s cute, but would you be comfortable sitting around the house in your underwear around her?” ” He’s sexy, if you like the type of guy that drives a —“) A reminder that you trust each other can put an end to the entire episode. (One time my husband said “you’re right, he is cute! I say we take him home with us!”)
It’s a common misconception that if we are with someone we are not supposed to have feelings about anyone else. Women and men who get angry because their partner is looking at someone else are not being realistic, and emotionally pushing the other person away for having feelings is just asking for trouble. It will help both of you to remember that we as humans can’t help what we think about who we are attracted to, but we don’t have to do anything about it. Talk often and catch it early, use humor and don’t be jealous just because (s)he’s looking at someone across the restaurant. Affairs don’t have to be an issue in your marriage.