We who adopt today are blessed with a burgeoning number of children’s books covering adoption from a number of angles, from that of the biological sibling left home while parents travel (Seeds of Love), to a neighbor girl anxiously awaiting her new neighbor from Russia (When Joel Comes Home), to what it’s like to have a family that doesn’t look like you (Families Are Different, Lucy’s Feet, and I Don’t Have Your Eyes, for example.) Many of these books are wonderful.
However, I have a concern with a couple of the most-promoted adoption “classics”. I’m curious if anyone shares this concern. It is this: several books, intending to send the message that “different people can be family”, feature the main character as a very young animal in search of his family. Examples are A Mother for Choco, in which a newly-hatched yellow bird goes looking for his mother, talking with various animals and deciding they cannot be his mother because they don’t have wings, beaks, etc., until Mrs. Bear comes upon him crying that he wants a mother and asks him, “What would your mother do?” “She would hug me—“Like this?” “She would kiss me—“Like this?” Eventually Choco realizes that Mrs. Bear does what a mother does and so she can be his mother even though she does not look like him. Another book recommended to me when I adopted was Little Miss Spider. The book ends with the praiseworthy realization that “Your mother is the person who loves you the best”, but similarly features the young spider searching for her mother with the help of a friendly beetle. After a time, Little Miss Spider realizes that the beetle has loved her and should be her mother.
So what’s the problem? I’ve never heard anyone else mention this, but to me these books imply that it’s the child’s responsibility to find him or herself a family. This seems to contradict the advice to make clear to children that adoption is an adult decision. They did not cause themselves to be relinquished for adoption. They did not choose their families (and therefore they cannot unchoose them). I realize some kids suffered true abandonment, but most of our kids were lovingly placed where someone would care for them and give them a better life. I know for a fact that my daughter was surrounded by love from the moment she was born. She didn’t wake up in a panic realizing that she needed to search frantically for a family.
One book that I felt addresses the theme of difference well is Horace. The little spotted animal grows up in a family of striped animals and longs to find someone who looks like him. One day at the park he meets and plays with a whole family of spotted animals, but at the end of the day goes back to his striped family, realizing that it was good to meet people who looked like him but his striped family was where he belonged.
I’ve never tried to hide from my children that there are some difficulties and complications in adoption and in their own life stories, but I think they are dealt with better with an attitude of “that’s the way things are, we empathize, we’ll work out how to deal with our feelings about it” rather than implying that the child had a choice.
I’m curious to hear what you think.