I’ve talked about change here plenty of times and I’ve said that change is inevitable. We all change. We all make different decisions and do different things. But I saw a question posted to one of my blogs on Marriage and Religion that made me do some thinking. I suppose I could go and just answer the question in the comments, but I wanted to really focus my answer – so the question was:
I need some good advice. My husband and I have both grown up in the same religion, and even married in it. Recently, he told me that he no longer believes in our religion, so, now he is considering living a whole different lifestyle with different values and beliefs. How should I act? I am scared to raise children with someone who lives a lifestyle that I don’t agree with.
And My Answer Is
You have to have faith in yourself and in your marriage. Sometimes our spouses make choices we don’t understand. It’s important to talk about the changes with your husband. For example, you said although you were both comparable in your beliefs when you got married – he has since changed his mind and is now following a different set of beliefs.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why? Is there something he is missing from his life? Is there a spiritual component that he feels lacking in? Don’t let yourself be pushed away by your own discomfort level – sometimes things happen within us that we cannot always express and we start looking for answers in other places.
When our faith is what we question, it can have a ripple effect on our entire lives. It is disruptive, but you are his cheering section, his support and his companion – you have the ability to effect change and to be a pillar during his own searching.
Where will his search take him? No one can say for certain. Will the differences in your faith, in your base beliefs drive you apart? That depends – is your faith intolerant of change? Can you understand his needs? Is the difference so profound that he has become a stranger?
These are not questions anyone can answer except for you. You have to reach inside and you have to try to come to some level of understanding not only with your husband, but also with yourself. Change is never easy, but it is inevitable – we change our goals in life, we change our methods and yes – sometimes, we change our beliefs because our belief and our faith is just as capable of evolving and exploring.
Reach out to him and ask that he reach back. Tell him you need to understand and even if it is harder than anything else to understand why he would change his beliefs when you have not – remember that he is his own person and you loved this man enough to marry him – love him enough to get to know him again before you make any life altering choices.
It might be worth talking to a counselor or other to help you connect and understand what each of you is feeling. Sometimes a third person can give you a little more grounding in such debates. But if his choices are truly physically or emotionally dangerous to you and your children, that’s something else you need to know before you can make this choice
I wish you all the best of luck with this and believe me when I say that as hard as it is right now – giving up without trying is a lot harder in the long run – on everyone.
Blessed be your day.