For those living with chronic anxiety, there often comes a time when it just gets to be too much. You can only ride the ups and downs of anxious thoughts for so long before a sense of hopelessness creeps in. A heaviness of depression blankets every anxious thought. Paralysis sets in. Patricia’s story is a perfect example:
Patricia lay in bed, dreading waking up, let alone getting up. At least in sleep she could escape for just a little while. Waking up meant gearing up, gearing up to somehow face another day. Patricia didn’t know exactly how she was going to pull that off. Already she could feel her heart racing in her chest, as if ramping up for the effort. Desperately, she wanted to go back to sleep, back to oblivion.
But like always, once she was awake, oblivion shattered. On came the mental onslaught as all her worries and fears crashed against her in waves.
On the outside, Patricia lay motionless in bed. On the inside, she felt she was thrashing against her fears, drowning in them. It never seemed to get any better. Why couldn’t these thoughts just leave her alone? Why did they always have to come rushing back in? Why couldn’t they stay wherever they went in sleep and never come back?
Glancing at the clock, she realized she’d been asleep for almost ten hours, but she didn’t feel rested. Instead, she felt exhausted and keyed up, all at the same time. It was Saturday, and she could hear her neighbors mowing their lawns. A dog barked, and she caught the squeals of delight from children at play. Although she couldn’t tell by the darkness in her room because of the shades, it must be sunny out. Most people couldn’t wait for a sunny Saturday; Patricia just wanted to stay in bed, stay oblivious and escape for a little longer.
By now her heart rate was really fast, along with her breathing. If she just lay there thinking about the possibility, she’d be in for a full-blown panic attack. Better to get up and at least move through it instead of become lost in it. With a deep sigh, she got up. Looking ahead to all the activities of the day, she had no idea which one to tackle first or if it would even make a difference. Her goal was not to enjoy anything but merely to survive it, to get through it. Nothing gave her pleasure anymore; she was long past that. Instead, her goal was to minimize the pain, the sense of hopelessness each day seemed to bring.
Since nothing ever got any better, Patricia worked at keeping everything the same – not better but not worse, just the same dull, gray existence. The gray was preferable to the chaotic, jarring swirls of riotous color produced by her anxiety. Her goal was to get through the day without having to think or feel. Thinking and feeling always led to anxiety, and she couldn’t handle that, not emotionally, not physically, not in any way. Patricia was up and firmly in survival mode. She just had to get through the next fourteen hours.
Patricia’s story is excerpted from my book Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Fear: Practical Ways to Find Peace. In it, I list the signs and symptoms of depression as outlined by the National Institutes of Health:
– persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
– feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
– feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
– loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
– decreased energy, fatigue, being “slowed down”
– difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
– difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
– appetite and/or weight changes
– thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
– restlessness, irritability
– persistent physical symptoms
If any of these signs or symptoms sound like familiar feelings or experiences, depression could be the cause. For a comprehensive assessment of your unique situation, check out the Depression Survey we use at The Center for Counseling and Health Resources. Whether linked to anxiety or another root cause, depression can be overcome, but awareness must come first.