It is easy to think of our relationship with our child as being completely different and separate from any of our other relationships. After all, for many of us it is more intense, more unconditional, and longer-lasting than any other relationship we might have had. In reality, however, we can apply the same rules that we learn and use in our other relationships–marriages, partnerships, coworkers, friends, and family–to our interactions with our children. One that can seem a little fuzzy is whether “parenting” and guiding our children to adulthood means that we are really trying to change them?
One of the golden rules of making a marriage, partnership, or friendship work in a healthy way is to accept the other person as they are and NOT focus on trying to change them. As parents, however, we are trying to help our children grow and develop, learn, lose bad habits and learn good ones, develop strong values and character traits, etc. It can seem confusing trying to figure out how to love and accept them and be trying to guide and parent them at the same time! What I do know is that it requires that we let our children know that our love and acceptance is unconditional, and we learn how to determine what is personality and what is something changeable.
I also think that the “how” of what we do as parents is important. We can focus on behaviors and habits that we would like to change, instead of character traits and things that are natural or inherent in our kids. Would you expect your child to change his hair color or his natural body type? Should we try to change what activities they love to do or their taste in music, food, or clothes? Or, instead can we accept their individuality while trying to give them the tools and guidance to grow up to be happy and responsible people?
Also: Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
Accepting Your Kids Just as They Are