Have you ever heard a parent (or maybe even yourself) say something to a child like this: “Let’s stop hitting our sister, okay?” or “Would you like to go to bed now?” Maybe seeing it written out can show you that the parent is obviously abdicating authority and responsibility and giving the child an “out.” It is not uncommon for us parents to have an unconscious attitude of “asking” our kids for permission to be the parent in charge…
Being the ultimate authority does not have to mean being a tyrant. I think this is where many parents falter and become “askers” instead of “tellers.” We don’t want to be unreasonable tyrants, bellowing orders and barking directions at our children; we think that we can enter into negotiations and “nudge” our children to do what we want. Well, sometimes we can–but when it comes to those steadfast rules and providing unwavering guidance for our kids, we need to take the responsibility and authority and not wait for our children to “give” it to us. Our fear of being one of those “bossy” parents who forces his or her will upon their children all the time can keep us from being parents who are “in charge” and consistent.
Giving kids choices and asking for their input is often appropriate–figuring out which clothes to wear or letting them pick out their own sheets and bedding. BUT, if there is a bed time, meal time, rules about behavior, or basic level expectations–these need to be very clear and set out with the authority of the parent–otherwise, kids think they are negotiable and they can “choose” whether to obey, go to bed on time, etc. You might need to practice eliminating words like “okay?” and “would you?” or “Why don’t you?” from your parent’s lexicon–they are words and phrases that actually invite dissent.
Also: Allowing Kids to Select Their Wardrobe
Point Out Behaviors in Other Kids You Like