You may think that you are so bonded with your kids that the should be able to gather you meaning from just a look or a word; or maybe you are feeling too harried to explain what you want them to do. Our children, however, need us to be as clear, concise and direct as possible. Being too vague can cause problems in terms of limit-setting, discipline and expectations.
You might be surprised what can come across as vague to your children. For example, when you say something like “Behave” or “Were you good?” you might think you are being forceful and direct, but what does that actually mean? You may have an idea of what you mean and what you expect when you say “Behave” but does your child? Years ago, my son pointed out to me that what he thought was “good” was probably not what I meant when I said “be good” and it caused me to realize that I needed to be absolutely clear so as to make it obvious what I expected.
Instead, try something like: “I need you to stay with me and use your inside voice in the store, and please do not touch anything.” Now you have laid out your expectations in a concise way. You should restate your expectations each time as well and not just assume the child will remember what is expected.
While sometimes we might be vague without intending to, other times our vagueness comes from the fact that we are not really sure what we expect or what we want the child to do. Our children can pick this up right away and even the sweetest child will be tempted to try to take advantage of our confusion or inability to set a firm expectation. Take the time to figure out where you stand and what you expect or want, so that you can pass along a clear and concise message to your child.
Also: Setting Limits without Causing Resentment
Setting Boundaries in the Face of Opposition
Don’t Expect Them to Be Thrilled About Boundaries