Negative comments and nagging can have a similar result on a marriage as wind and waves to on a rock – they erode it. The photo below, which Mick took, is of Australia Rock, in Narooma,NSW.
When I was a child my Mom always told me, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.’ It’s better to be quiet. Often when Mick and I are watching a movie or a sitcom, we see the couple having an argument. Then they start to make up and you can see it coming, the guy adds another comment that re-sparks the argument and gets him back in him water again. As Times Goes By are favorite DVDs we watch over and over. The number of times Lionel, Alistair and Stephen have fallen into this trap with the women in their lives is huge.
It happens in real life marriages as well. Okay, I admit in real life it’s not always the guy who inflames the situation by the extra words. We women are just as guilty of having to add that last comment that undoes all the reconciliation that had taken place. It’s all about not knowing when to be quiet.
I’ve heard many writers admit that even if they have many positive reviews the one they remember is the negative one. The same comment is made by actors. We don’t like to hear negative things.
In our marriages you can depend it’s the negative comments and criticisms that the mind keeps coming back to and replaying in our heads. They’re like burrs that irritate. Left alone they erode our joy and the foundation.
Maybe before we add that niggling comment or criticism, try and think how we would feel if we were on the receiving end of it. In Broken, the novel I’m reading by Norwegian novelist Karin Fossum, the narrator, a writer, has a worry casket. In it she puts all her worries then she closes the lid so they are locked away. In a similar manner we could try writing out all those negative comments we think about making to our spouse, but instead of hanging onto them and putting them in a casket, put them in a paper bag which can be burnt.
It’s like the old song says we need to ‘Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and latch on to the affirmative’. Seems like Mary Ann and I are on a bit of a theme here, mainly I suspect because we’ve seen how important this is in our own marriages and the marriages of those around us.
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